The “Why”
Sharing my stories and poems is the absolute most vulnerable thing I could ever do. I have been very private over the last several years. I've been so private I’ve shut the world out. I withdrew myself from friends. I became bitter and lonely. I walked the cold, dark road of depression and anxiety.
I can’t explain the fear and freedom that comes with putting your feelings out for anyone to see but this is extremely raw for me. It’s scary.
So why the hell would I do this?
Every fiber of my every being is filled with pain and heartache. I’ve lived and breathed it for years.
I honestly don’t know how I haven’t died from a broken heart. I’ve lived with regret and shame.
I have been so close to death - both intentionally and unintentionally due to foolish choices.
So why share all that? How embarrassing, right?
No.
For me, I guess it’s a way to cope with all these feelings I have living in me. The pain must exit somehow. Instead of drugs, alcohol or some other form of unhealthy coping mechanism, knowing someone else might be getting comfort, healing or some small sort of hope from my experience is worth my “embarrassment.”
For those that want to laugh, ridicule, shame, gossip, or whatever else, that’s fine. You’re gonna do that anyway and the world has enough of you. There’s not enough people who are willing to be something better. Better than following the crowd or pleasing the masses. People who lay their life down for others.
That’s scary but worth it. The deep, dark abyss that depression swallowed me into is much scarier than anything anyone could try to come against me with. I’d rather face the possibility of igniting a flame in someone else and face opposition from others than to live in the darkness I’ve trapped myself in while hiding in my pain. That’s my “why” in why I’m doing what I’m doing.
Find healthy ways to cope with life.
Write. Draw. Paint. Sculpt. Sing. Produce. Plant. Sell. Invent. Explore. Run. Stretch. Create.
Life isn’t easy. Don’t make it harder on yourself.
Find the “why” within yourself. Why do you do what you do? Why don’t you chase your dream? Why aren’t you following your goals? Why do you want to be better? Why haven’t you given up?
Why are you reading this and what are you going to do what’s inside of you?
I Don’t Know
i don’t know anymore
i question
i don’t understand
i interrogate myself
it doesn’t make sense
i doubt
and then I spiral
trying to make sense
trying to understand
trying to know
WHY
why did you
why did they
why did that
WHY
no one knows
they ask me
no one understands
they want answers I can’t give
no one can make sense
they question me
BECAUSE
because you did
because they did
because that did
happen
something happened
i don’t have to know
and it’s ok to question
i don’t have to understand
and it’s ok to be skeptical
i don’t have make sense of it
and it’s ok to doubt
you just did
they just did
it just did
and that may be all
i’ll ever know
Lindsy Brewer
