The “Why”

Sharing my stories and poems is the absolute most vulnerable thing I could ever do. I have been very private over the last several years. I've been so private I’ve shut the world out. I withdrew myself from friends. I became bitter and lonely. I walked the cold, dark road of depression and anxiety.

I can’t explain the fear and freedom that comes with putting your feelings out for anyone to see but this is extremely raw for me. It’s scary.

So why the hell would I do this?

Every fiber of my every being is filled with pain and heartache. I’ve lived and breathed it for years.

I honestly don’t know how I haven’t died from a broken heart. I’ve lived with regret and shame.

I have been so close to death - both intentionally and unintentionally due to foolish choices.

So why share all that? How embarrassing, right?

No.

For me, I guess it’s a way to cope with all these feelings I have living in me. The pain must exit somehow. Instead of drugs, alcohol or some other form of unhealthy coping mechanism, knowing someone else might be getting comfort, healing or some small sort of hope from my experience is worth my “embarrassment.”

For those that want to laugh, ridicule, shame, gossip, or whatever else, that’s fine. You’re gonna do that anyway and the world has enough of you. There’s not enough people who are willing to be something better. Better than following the crowd or pleasing the masses. People who lay their life down for others.

That’s scary but worth it. The deep, dark abyss that depression swallowed me into is much scarier than anything anyone could try to come against me with. I’d rather face the possibility of igniting a flame in someone else and face opposition from others than to live in the darkness I’ve trapped myself in while hiding in my pain. That’s my “why” in why I’m doing what I’m doing.

Find healthy ways to cope with life.

Write. Draw. Paint. Sculpt. Sing. Produce. Plant. Sell. Invent. Explore. Run. Stretch. Create.

Life isn’t easy. Don’t make it harder on yourself.

Find the “why” within yourself. Why do you do what you do? Why don’t you chase your dream? Why aren’t you following your goals? Why do you want to be better? Why haven’t you given up?

Why are you reading this and what are you going to do what’s inside of you?

I Don’t Know

i don’t know anymore

i question

i don’t understand

i interrogate myself

it doesn’t make sense

i doubt

and then I spiral

trying to make sense

trying to understand

trying to know

WHY

why did you

why did they

why did that

WHY

no one knows

they ask me

no one understands

they want answers I can’t give

no one can make sense

they question me

BECAUSE

because you did

because they did

because that did

happen

something happened

i don’t have to know

and it’s ok to question

i don’t have to understand

and it’s ok to be skeptical

i don’t have make sense of it

and it’s ok to doubt

you just did

they just did

it just did

and that may be all

i’ll ever know

Lindsy Brewer