It's been roughly 9 months since I experienced fate that has forever changed me. I really am dreading the next few months. Not only are the holidays approaching fast, but I must face the annual confrontation of my personal horror. A nightmare that will never end.
January will forever haunt me. January - the perfect month - known for icy roads, bitter cold nights, and is also the most depressing month of the year. Really, look it up. January is known for "Blue Monday" and is also the coldest month of the year. Hmmm...
Well, January is also known for new beginnings; resolutions are made, gym memberships are initiated or renewed, and the biggest worldwide celebration is held in honor of the "New Year.” It is named after Janus - the god of the doorway in Roman Mythology.
January; It's the “door” to the year!
Roman Mythology - you have made a believer out of me! Coincidental? Happenstance? Bad luck? Not your year? The devil? (my favorite) LOL. Time and chance? Ohhhh - I've heard it all! And the poor souls who haven't a clue sure like to give you their penny's worth of advice. I really do love the religious ones the most - sure does make you question the motives of their hearts...and can they really be "followers" of God carrying around all that judgement? I wish them well...
I must, for the record, state that I am a firm believer in God, Jesus, and the Holy Ghost. Which sickens me when some of the harshest words I’ve received are those that state the same belief. I have found that people are people no matter what religion or belief. Some of the most giving people in my time of need have been atheists. Shocking, right? Some of the worst, have been Christians. Yep. We need to stop treating others as if we are better or that we know it all. Yet still, beyond measure, Christians have also been some of the most therapeutic, loving, giving and selfless people. I guess, I have had love and help from every walk of life. Ok, back to the story - really don’t want to detour down that road!
January. Ahhh, yes. The precious start to a new life. New beginnings. New doors. New opportunity. So holding true to Roman Mythology the events that took place for me in January 2011 are the building blocks or preface to what my year would entail. Well, it was true. Definitely true. 110% accurate.
January 6, 2011. This was the day that changed my life forever. It also shook and changed the lives of my children, family, friends, and community. It was the day I heard my husband (the most amazing, integris, God-fearing man) talk like a demon. I had never heard something so terrifying in my life. Even though we had been separated a short while, he will always be my husband. We had been married for 14 years and created two beautiful and amazing children together. He was at one point the air and breath I breathed and the love of my life. He was once my everything. His smile could light up the world. He loved and lived life to the fullest. But he didn’t realize all the life and love in the world wouldn’t change the course of his and many others’ lives by choosing to take a certain drug. He had been taking the drug called "Spice" or "K-2.” For many, this drug is considered ok. Some have referred to it as “synthetic” marijuana. I beg to differ. Spice has been known to temporarily and in some cases permanently put the user in a schizophrenic state of mind. It has reportedly given the user a self harming attitude and many have committed suicide. And that is what it did: it took a beautiful mind and heart and turned him into someone unrecognizable.
It is obvious leaving out just one ingredient or "spice" from a recipe can change the entire entrée. Texture, taste and all. Same is true when you add something to the entrée. It is written that, “A little leaven, leavens the entire loaf.” A person’s body isn’t equipped nor was it made to process certain drugs. Our body will try everything to fight it off and get rid of it as soon as possible, anyway possible. I mean, I’m sure we all know someone who has thrown up after drinking too much alcohol. Our bodies may be able to tolerate it for a season but ultimately it takes over. And each person tolerates it differently. Look at Charlie Sheen – I think he is still, “WINNING!” But is his family, his career, his health? What may make someone “elated” or “carefree” may make another “hostile” or “suicidal” or even a “predator.”
to be continued...
It’s been a long journey and the, “to be continued” has kept continuing. I have so much to share to help others through pain and loss, depression and anxiety. My hope is to help others share their stories so we can all grow and learn together.
I wrote this 9 months after Ryan died. I’m sharing because I know so many people who have experimented with Spice (K-2) and other drugs. Ryan wasn’t a drug addict or alcoholic. That is why I wanted to raise awareness. Don’t fool yourself and think a one time hit of something won’t damage your mind permanently or cause you to make decisions that can cost you your life or someone else’s life.
Ryan’s sister, Aubrey and I were at one point wanting to publicly raise awareness of Spice but life took us in other directions. I’ve been revisiting my past a lot this last year as I imagine many have. The last 10 years have been nothing short of a blockbuster movie. I have an ocean filled with tears I’ve cried, bruises of shame, regretful decisions I’ve made, and self destructive habits. Due to this, I started shutting the world out. I became someone I never wanted to be. I gave up on life. I wasn’t living.
I can no longer sit back. My story might help others. And at a time when we don’t know what tomorrow holds, I know I must do whatever I can to be transparent with my life. I know I will face opposition, ridicule, hate, and more but I can’t let that stop me. It will be 10 years this month since Ryan died and I’ve done nothing to share our story and the tragedy of events that led to his death. This is a new beginning (again!)
Please message me if you need any books or information on pain and loss, depression and anxiety, ptsd, or helping your children through the death of a parent. I have many resources and personal experience. My heart is to help those who are suffering.
I started this blog (it’s a work in progress) and I will be posting parts of my life in hopes of reaching someone who needs it. I know I don’t have all the answers or even some but I have my experiences that have taught me more than any book you could read.
My goal is to one day make this into a book. It’s been ten years since I wrote this so who knows when it will be ready haha! Maybe I need to go through some more trials before it’s ready. Bring it on! I can no longer live the rest of my life underground or in regret. I beg you to not do the same. Live your life. It’s all we got! Don’t let another year go by before you seek help.