Forget the Ears, Nose and Throat Doctor, I need a Hair, Skin and Butt Doctor!
Me…bad eating habits? Whaaa...?
Why did I wake up to my eyes almost swollen shut?
Not enough sleep?
Too much sleep?
What happened to that skinny girl that didn’t have to work out or eat right? The girl that would eat two packs of skittles and a snickers bar for lunch. Mind you, I did separate the Skittles by colors before inhaling the candy and in my mind that made it like a five course meal. Orange was the appetizer. Yellow and Green were like salad to me because they were the worst flavors. I ate them together so I would be done faster and that much closer to red & purple (which was obviously the main course and dessert). Not sure why I didn’t just throw yellow and green away if they were so bad. I guess that habit has followed me throughout my entire life because I seem to eat everything even when it tastes bad. Take for example when my kids were young…
Ages two and four. “Kids! It’s lunchtime. We have Spaghetti O’s, carrots, apple slices and milk. Enjoy!” After about a half hour of the kids entertaining themselves with food, half of it on their faces and the floor, it’s time for mom to clean up!
I wipe their faces down as they squirm and try to fight it. Then hold them up to the bathroom sink...pretty much squishing them into the counter with one leg so they can be tall enough to get their little hands under the water and I can help them wash correctly. Not sure how they never passed out on that one. Off they go to play with one of their very annoying toys that make very annoying sounds. Toys that only one of their grandparents would have given them because they don’t have to listen to it every day!
Ok, so it’s time to clean up their dishes. Back in the kitchen. Hmmm…gross. What a mess. But, do I throw away the cold Spaghetti O’s? What about the apples that are now turning brown? Or the carrots with teeth marks in them? Hmmm…tempting. Well, I can’t just let this go to waste. I mean, I haven’t eaten since breakfast and it’s just sitting here. I can scoop the Spaghetti O’s together into one bowl and combine theirs so it’s just one meal. Also, if I microwave it then it surely kills all the germs from their dirty hands and mouth saliva. As I pull it out of the microwave that I just blasted spaghetti sauce all over because I forgot to put a paper towel over it, I dig in. SICK. I hate Spaghetti O’s. Another bite. Still gross. But I’m already into it now, I can’t stop now. This stuff is weird. What are Spaghetti O’s anyway? Another bite. This can’t be real spaghetti sauce. It’s orange. It’s not even red. Bowl tilts over as my spoon scraps all the O’s down to the bottom in order to get one last big scoop into my mouth. Gross. I hate these stupid things. Ewe! Was that a hair? Oh wait! There’s one last “O”…gotta get that one. With a grimace on my face and now defeat in my eyes, I am done. And now for the infamous question we ask ourselves after each dirty deed…WHYYYY??? Why did I do that? I hated it, but I kept eating, talking my way through each disgusting bite. Why didn’t I just eat a cake? I wasted my calories on stupid dirty Spaghetti O’s? Why? WHY ME???
This is just one example of many. When those kids didn’t finish their chicken nuggets, Kids Cuisines, fish sticks, bologna sandwiches, I was cleanin’ house. When they weren’t looking I took their brownies, ice cream and animal cookies without a second thought. I’ll never forget when my son went to go to the bathroom and as he left the kitchen table he turned around and said, “Mom, don’t eat my Oreos when I’m gone.” WHAT? WOW! I am flabbergasted. Instead of it being a wake up call to my horrible eating habits and being a shady lunch lady mom, I felt like, what? After all I have done for you? I share everything with you. I gave you birth buddy! I bought the damn cookies!
Can’t we split one…?
It’s funny too because women hide it all the time. “Oh no, I didn’t eat the last of the ice cream”, “I didn’t stop at McDonalds on the way home from work.” Sure, that explains why you’ve been on a diet for three months and haven’t lost a pound. Just admit you are not following the meal plan or the exercise program. I love it when we try to act so “skinny” by only eating a salad for lunch on a date so you don’t seem “fat.” Seriously, do guys not think we eat? And if we eat a salad does that really mean all of a sudden we appear as a Victoria Secret Model? Who wants a salad anyway? The lettuce is most likely to get stuck in your teeth or you end up starving the rest of the night. It is funny to me though that the ones that favor the salad option carry the act as if they won some award or need a stroke of praise from other women. “I just had a salad for lunch,” she says with a sneer looking down at you and in an English accent.
Or my favorite, “I only ate one meal today.” And we say it with such pride! As if we are so honorable for slowing down our metabolisms for that one meal. How is eating once a day good for you? And even better, the next day we eat five times as much.
So here I sit thinking about my past eating habits and how it’s quite possible that it has led to the puffy eyes in the morning, feeling lethargic or fat. Maybe I just need to drink more water or resist fast foods? We can come up with all sorts of reasons why we feel the way we do. As we get older, you wish you woulda-coulda-shoulda.
After all this thinking, I know I need to make a lot of changes in my life. One of them is definitely changing my eating habits. But, I’m eyeing a few tantalizing chocolate chip cookies on the table and my son just left the room…so…ya…maybe I will start working on the habit-breaking tomorrow!